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Oct. 25th, 2011 05:04 amSo, if anyone on twitter was wondering what I was spazzing about, basically what it boils down to is:
a) I get extremely co-dependant with my friends. Online and offline.
b) I had a bunch of friends in high school. This whittled down to three friends post high school. Neither college nor my first job supplimented this.
c) One of these best friends is still really into the drug scene. Which I used to be really into, but now I'm not. This makes it a lot harder to hang out with him. (oh Bert/Gerard, how strongly I empathise. JFC) This is a constant low-grade sadness, and one day he'll stop, like when he's thirty, and we can be close again.
d) Recently Kalaya, my only offline female friend, moved to Vancouver. I FREAKED OUT and got hysterical for a bit, then calmed down.
e) Last week my best of best friends got an online boyfriend in Fargo. Which is over the border, and about three hours away. So from Monday to Thursday he is visiting. I am PETRIFIED he will move there. The last time I went over to his apartment I just cried silently while he was doing the dishes because I CANNOT HANDLE him moving away. But he's the type of boy that falls hard into love.
f) So I was trying to figure out if I could get a cracked version of photoshop and talking to Kay online, and she was all make J or V get you a version. And I told her I hadn't seen J in a month and V was in the States. And then I started sobbing.
g) Because what it boils down to is I'm not the kind of person meant to have RL friends. I exist best in concentrated doses, where I go away when you say you need to go, where I can be ignored for five minutes when necessary. And normally I am fine with that. I've had great online friendships. Phil, Vere, Caty, Jasley, Cere, others I could name. But sometimes you need a hug. And my dad is old, and once he dies, with V in the States and Kay in Vancouver, and J busy with his life. Well, I won't have anyone to hug me.
h)It's not like I'm against making new friends. But the gay choir has membership costs, and there's no crafting circles I can find. And I'm not working so I can't buddy up to coworkers. I don't know how else to find people.
i) And then there's the part where I have two lesions on my brain and they don't why yet, and I can't help but wonder who would come to my funeral. My parents deserve better than an empty room.
j) So I put on my playlist of suicidally sad songs, like Adam's Song, and Circles, and There's Us and Who Knew, and cried until I ran dry. I don't feel "better" but I am numb, and that's good enough at this point.
Sorry for emoing all over you guys on twitter. Next time I will try to refrain from getting in your face.
a) I get extremely co-dependant with my friends. Online and offline.
b) I had a bunch of friends in high school. This whittled down to three friends post high school. Neither college nor my first job supplimented this.
c) One of these best friends is still really into the drug scene. Which I used to be really into, but now I'm not. This makes it a lot harder to hang out with him. (oh Bert/Gerard, how strongly I empathise. JFC) This is a constant low-grade sadness, and one day he'll stop, like when he's thirty, and we can be close again.
d) Recently Kalaya, my only offline female friend, moved to Vancouver. I FREAKED OUT and got hysterical for a bit, then calmed down.
e) Last week my best of best friends got an online boyfriend in Fargo. Which is over the border, and about three hours away. So from Monday to Thursday he is visiting. I am PETRIFIED he will move there. The last time I went over to his apartment I just cried silently while he was doing the dishes because I CANNOT HANDLE him moving away. But he's the type of boy that falls hard into love.
f) So I was trying to figure out if I could get a cracked version of photoshop and talking to Kay online, and she was all make J or V get you a version. And I told her I hadn't seen J in a month and V was in the States. And then I started sobbing.
g) Because what it boils down to is I'm not the kind of person meant to have RL friends. I exist best in concentrated doses, where I go away when you say you need to go, where I can be ignored for five minutes when necessary. And normally I am fine with that. I've had great online friendships. Phil, Vere, Caty, Jasley, Cere, others I could name. But sometimes you need a hug. And my dad is old, and once he dies, with V in the States and Kay in Vancouver, and J busy with his life. Well, I won't have anyone to hug me.
h)It's not like I'm against making new friends. But the gay choir has membership costs, and there's no crafting circles I can find. And I'm not working so I can't buddy up to coworkers. I don't know how else to find people.
i) And then there's the part where I have two lesions on my brain and they don't why yet, and I can't help but wonder who would come to my funeral. My parents deserve better than an empty room.
j) So I put on my playlist of suicidally sad songs, like Adam's Song, and Circles, and There's Us and Who Knew, and cried until I ran dry. I don't feel "better" but I am numb, and that's good enough at this point.
Sorry for emoing all over you guys on twitter. Next time I will try to refrain from getting in your face.